I Come Alive in the Night Time.

I enjoy driving down empty streets at night, there's a certain atmosphere and strangeness to it when most signs of human life and activity freeze. I used to do this often, traveling between Ann Arbor and Troy, and it was interesting to do it again in LA with Ivan in addition to hanging out with the old crew. I got a few things to take care of in the morning so I shouldn't be up this late, but I'm still making the readjustment back to Eastern time.

I could see myself hanging out in Socal with the old film/skit crew if my path in life branches down the right fork. but right now I don't think that's in the works. I'm pretty sure it's going to be the DC area, but life is a strange and unpredictable affair right? Gotta make the most of it, treasuring the high parts and learning from the lows.

The Plan!

Just wanted to get it straight in my head:

Option 1: Submit grad school application for January, transfer units
Pros: Start new life sooner
Cons: Will have less of a financial padding, more urgency to get my stuff together

Option 2: Work first as a firearms, do more Army training, apply to grad school for September, transfer units
Pros: More financial padding, longer time to consolidate my belongings
Cons: May be hectic, start new life later

Option 3: Deploy in December, apply to grad school whenever deployment ends
Pros: More financial padding, more GI Bill benefits
Cons: Have to get on the battle roster, would still have to start again after

9/11/2011

Today marks a year since I landed back in the States from Kuwait. Feels good man.

The Fray - 1961

I really dig the bridge to this song:

"We're broken, we're battered
We're torn up and we're shattered
We turn back on each other
The moment that it mattered
The curtain is shaking
It's bending and it's breaking
And I'll be with you in the end (until the end)"

I just want to tear down some walls because I am tired of strife and conflict, but part of the problem is that I'm the one who caused them to be built in the first place...

On Iraq, Identity, and Loyalty

I know I haven't posted much here recently - my original idea for my blog this year was to rehash stuff that had happened in Iraq, and then reflect on it... but perhaps it has been more productive for me not to relive every single moment, and to move on from the worst of my experiences. I had a lot of bitterness stored up until late August, when I realized that it was literally making me sick and was able to release some of it in a cathartic fashion. Though the process was incomplete, it has allowed me to deal with more of the negative aspects of my life in a more healthy fashion, and practice forgiveness for a good friend.

I am still working on my plans to establish myself, and to become the man that God has intended for me to become. Part of it is finding balance in my identity, and seeing if there's a way to bridge "Sergeant Yao" and "Yaobert." Quite honestly, being in the presence of my old friends at two weddings and an engagement was extremely rejuvenating, and helped me to re-kindle a suppressed part of my "Yaobert" personality that I thought had largely died in Iraq - sure, I wasn't always happy in undergrad, but a lot of my happiness and ability to enjoy life had been largely dulled, I feel. Exploring a graduate school program in DC (nothing concrete, but I'm quite likely to enroll in it) has also been productive, and I will post future updates about that as I work out the details.

In discussions with a few good friends over the past year or two, "loyal" is an adjective that some have used to describe me. I must confess though, I strive to be loyal because it was only after I joined the Army Reserve that I was truly able to appreciate my past friendships and how poorly I had treated some of my best friends in the past. I hope I can fix them, but there's a distinct possibility that I may be three-four years too late... we'll see.