I really don't like posting my most private thoughts online but I think if there's been one predominant theme in my life that I grapple with, it's finding balance in everything. I mean, I'm up this late writing down my thoughts right?
I want to be productive, but I also need to relax. I want to hang out with all my good friends, but I need time alone to decompress. I enjoy being Ann Arbor, but I anticipate leaving the US for my deployment. Overall, what I think I struggle with most is trying to find the balance between allowing God's will in my life versus my attempts to meet Him. Where is the line? Perhaps I'm aware, but am simply too stubborn to realize it.
I try to have a positive outlook and joyful attitude in everything I do, one reason being that life is much more interesting and enjoyable that way, and the alternative is quite bitter and dreadful. That is, if God hasn't ordained a higher purpose to our communal existence here on Earth, then it's really a horrible waste of time. There's a quote by C.S. Lewis that I find striking - "It's hardly complimentary to God that we should choose Him as an alternative to Hell: yet even this He accepts."
If there is a point to existence, then let us be glad in it, even in our struggles! Even if God is simply testing our character, at least there's purpose. The fact that God has numbered the hairs on our head and the days of our lives, however long or short, should be a comfort. I must admit that I haven't always seen things this way, and it's not easy for me to do, but I gotta try.
15 May 2010
09 May 2010
Mr. and Mrs. Ryan Rudy
Marriage is an interesting and hopefully wonderful thing! It's interesting to think about, that you make this covenant with one person to have your lives intertwined and start a family. I try not to worry about it as much as I used to, but I do wonder how things will turn out. One of God's great mysteries I suppose!
01 May 2010
Random hiatus
I try to keep my time occupied productively, relatively speaking, so I don't really jot down much of my thoughts anymore. At WLC, we only got 6 hours, usually less, of sleep a night, they packed a lot of information into the stuff we did during the day.
Also, I've been diving into the hobby of photography, and I must say I'm pretty pleased with the results, for the most part. I still have a lot to learn, but I'm getting some great pictures in my opinion.
Also, I've been diving into the hobby of photography, and I must say I'm pretty pleased with the results, for the most part. I still have a lot to learn, but I'm getting some great pictures in my opinion.
07 April 2010
The rain
When it rains cats and dogs outside like it did today, it reminds me of the landnav course at AIT, one of our first training exercises when I got there. Basically, land navigation involves plotting several points on a map, and then walking to the different locations and recording the markings on different markers, and there's a certain number you're supposed to get to in a certain amount of time.
When I did it during my stay at Fort Bragg, it started raining after we got to the field and dropped off some of our gear and headed out, and it steadily increased in volume as me and my battle buddy made our way to the first point. I can't remember all the details now, but it took us a damn long time to find it. Then, it REALLY started pouring, and lightening started to strike, so basically we had to hunker down and wait for the storm to diminish.
At some point either before or during the storm, I started freaking out, not about the weather or anything, but about how we had only gotten one point out of four-five we were supposed to find and that the deadline was going to pass. I must have really gotten on my partner's nerves when I panicked since he was a really chill dude, but I had (have) an extreme fear of failure.
Essentially, what I remember after that was that the rain cleared up, the time to find all the points was extended, and we ended up finding the majority of the points assigned to us and passing the whole deal without any problems. I think for me, it illustrated the futility of freaking out and also illuminated more about how I handle stress - I know everything will work out fine, but until things get resolved, boy my nerves are frayed.
Apparently landnav is emphasized in WLC, and the weather forecast for where I'm going will be continuously rainy. Deja Vu? I'm kind of stressed about getting ready for WLC. In no way am I freaking out, just a little frustrated that everything's happening at the last possible minute. On that note... back to packing!
When I did it during my stay at Fort Bragg, it started raining after we got to the field and dropped off some of our gear and headed out, and it steadily increased in volume as me and my battle buddy made our way to the first point. I can't remember all the details now, but it took us a damn long time to find it. Then, it REALLY started pouring, and lightening started to strike, so basically we had to hunker down and wait for the storm to diminish.
At some point either before or during the storm, I started freaking out, not about the weather or anything, but about how we had only gotten one point out of four-five we were supposed to find and that the deadline was going to pass. I must have really gotten on my partner's nerves when I panicked since he was a really chill dude, but I had (have) an extreme fear of failure.
Essentially, what I remember after that was that the rain cleared up, the time to find all the points was extended, and we ended up finding the majority of the points assigned to us and passing the whole deal without any problems. I think for me, it illustrated the futility of freaking out and also illuminated more about how I handle stress - I know everything will work out fine, but until things get resolved, boy my nerves are frayed.
Apparently landnav is emphasized in WLC, and the weather forecast for where I'm going will be continuously rainy. Deja Vu? I'm kind of stressed about getting ready for WLC. In no way am I freaking out, just a little frustrated that everything's happening at the last possible minute. On that note... back to packing!
06 April 2010
Warrior Leader Course
About a year ago, I shipped off to Basic Training and AIT for Initial Entry Training to join the United States Army Reserve. I think that was one of the most formative experiences of my life to date, but I'm still learning. Every day brings something new.
This week, I will be attending the Warrior Leader Course, and assuming successful completion of the course I will be awarded the NCO Officer Development Ribbon. Still getting everything sorted out before I leave. I think the biggest challenge for me will be transitioning back to that strenuous training environment, and the fact that I'm moreso book-smart than street-smart, not that I was ever that much of an academic.
It was kind of a surprise to me that I would be going, especially this soon, but I guess slots opened up for my unit and I figured I'd jump on the opportunity. I don't know if I'm ready to be a sergeant and I can't get promoted to E-5 until August anyways, but we'll see how it goes and I should take any opportunity to train, learn, get paid, and move ahead in the Army that I can. If there's one thing I learned from training last summer, it's that I can accomplish the tasks demanded of me but not alone, not in my own power.
I think the contrast between the masculine, rigid environment of training and the "it doesn't matter if you were a soldier" atmosphere of filming for Red Dawn definitely taught me a lot about masculinity and respect, that is, it's not something you can simply earn. "You can respect the rank, but you don't have to respect the person" is something I've heard over and over again, and I've seen both sides of the coin, and I can't deny that I've landed on the asshole side myself.
It doesn't matter how much you trumpet yourself if no one's willing to listen to you. I guess it's kind of interesting to me - one of the reasons I enlisted was because I want to live a rich life experience, and have good stories that I can share with my good friends, and I gotta weigh that against the whole "flaunting myself" aspect of it.
Do I regret enlisting, even though I could have been an officer right off the bat? Not at all, I'm pretty content with the path that I've chosen, and it's always an option in the future. We'll see how things go from here.
This week, I will be attending the Warrior Leader Course, and assuming successful completion of the course I will be awarded the NCO Officer Development Ribbon. Still getting everything sorted out before I leave. I think the biggest challenge for me will be transitioning back to that strenuous training environment, and the fact that I'm moreso book-smart than street-smart, not that I was ever that much of an academic.
It was kind of a surprise to me that I would be going, especially this soon, but I guess slots opened up for my unit and I figured I'd jump on the opportunity. I don't know if I'm ready to be a sergeant and I can't get promoted to E-5 until August anyways, but we'll see how it goes and I should take any opportunity to train, learn, get paid, and move ahead in the Army that I can. If there's one thing I learned from training last summer, it's that I can accomplish the tasks demanded of me but not alone, not in my own power.
I think the contrast between the masculine, rigid environment of training and the "it doesn't matter if you were a soldier" atmosphere of filming for Red Dawn definitely taught me a lot about masculinity and respect, that is, it's not something you can simply earn. "You can respect the rank, but you don't have to respect the person" is something I've heard over and over again, and I've seen both sides of the coin, and I can't deny that I've landed on the asshole side myself.
It doesn't matter how much you trumpet yourself if no one's willing to listen to you. I guess it's kind of interesting to me - one of the reasons I enlisted was because I want to live a rich life experience, and have good stories that I can share with my good friends, and I gotta weigh that against the whole "flaunting myself" aspect of it.
Do I regret enlisting, even though I could have been an officer right off the bat? Not at all, I'm pretty content with the path that I've chosen, and it's always an option in the future. We'll see how things go from here.
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